Forgiveness is the decision to release someone from what they owe you, and to give up your own right to collect it. It is a choice, not a feeling, and it does not require the person who hurt you to apologise, change, or even know that you made it.
That last part is where most people get stuck. We wait to feel differently. We wait for an apology. We wait until the memory stops stinging. Scripture never asks you to wait for any of those three. People carry for twenty years what God offered to lift in an afternoon. Do not let that be you!
The teaching on this page is Marilyn Hickey's, from Forgiving Yourself and Reconciling Relationships, in her own words. The few lines we add only connect them.
What forgiveness is
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13, NIV
Notice the standard. Not forgive when they deserve it. Forgive the way you were forgiven, which was before you deserved anything.
What forgiveness is not
- It is not forgetting. You will probably remember. Remembering is not unforgiveness.
- It is not saying it was fine. If it were fine there would be nothing to forgive.
- It is not trust. Forgiveness is given freely. Trust is rebuilt slowly, and it is right to rebuild it slowly.
- It is not reconciliation. This one matters enough to have its own section below.
- It is not a feeling. The feelings often arrive months after the decision. Sometimes they never fully arrive, and the forgiveness is still real.
The first two need saying plainly:
Let me be clear: Neither forgiving nor forgetting means you are diminishing what happened or saying it was okay. Forgiving is a form of trusting that Jesus ultimately set all things right on the cross.
"Forget" is where most people decide the whole thing is impossible. Watch what the word actually means:
In the original Greek, the word for “forgetting” in Philippians 3:13 (epilanthanomai) implies something that is hidden, disregarded, or neglected. This is what we must do when we choose to forgive. Consider the action you are forgiving, disregard the offense, and choose to neglect it from your focus moving forward.
Disregard and neglect are things you can actually do! Erasing a memory is not. God did not give you a command you cannot obey.
Is forgiveness the same as reconciliation?
No, and confusing the two keeps people trapped. One distinction keeps them apart:
Forgiveness is entirely dependent on Jesus; reconciliation depends on others. Regardless of whether your loved one apologizes or not, when it comes to forgiveness, you look to the cross of Christ alone. You may have to wrestle with your emotions, but keep choosing to release the person who hurt you from your judgement and need for revenge. You release them because you understand that Jesus released you from far more (Luke 11:4). You trust that the seat of judgment is God’s alone (James 4:11-12). However, reconciliation involves another person. You cannot force your loved one to change. They have the free will to choose.
Forgiveness is required; reconciliation is preferred. Jesus does not allow believers to withhold forgiveness without consequence (Matthew 6:15), but reconciliation has additional steps. It may be wise to reconcile with clear boundaries in place to help limit hurt in the future. It may be that not reconciling is the only safe option. For deep hurts, I recommend talking through your approach with a trusted pastor, spiritually mature friend, or Christian counselor.
Read that last line again if you needed to hear it. It may be that not reconciling is the only safe option. That is not a loophole and it is not a failure of faith.
Forgiveness is required, and it is entirely between you and God. Reconciliation involves another person's free will, and God will not override it. But look at the good news: the thing you were commanded to do is the thing you are able to do, alone, today!
If you are in danger, that is not a forgiveness question. Get safe first. God is not standing at the door of a harmful house telling you to go back inside.
Do I have to forgive someone who is not sorry?
Yes. And let's be honest: that is usually the only kind there is. People who are truly sorry are easy to release. The debt that sits on you for years belongs to someone who never came back to settle it.
Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions.
Mark 11:25, NASB
Forgiving them is not letting them win. You are not letting them off the hook; you are getting yourself off of it! The seat of judgement belongs to God, and He sees the whole story.
Joseph is the pattern here. He forgave the brothers who sold him, after he had gained the power to destroy them, and Genesis says he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Wow, that is some godly fruit! That statement could never come from unforgiveness and holding a grudge. We forgive because we are not in the place of God. We look for His goodness even when things are bad. Finally, we lay down criticism and take up comforting and speaking kindly to the forgiven person. Speak kindly to yourself! You are made in the image of God after all.
What if the person I cannot forgive is me?
This is the most common version of the question we receive, and there is a whole short book for it.
Sometimes I think it is easier for us to forgive other people than to forgive ourselves. You can remember the truth of God’s forgiveness for them but struggle to receive that same truth for yourself. You just know too much about what you do and think. You can keep going over your wrongs repeatedly until they choke you.
Then the question that closes the argument:
Does God make one rule for your relationship to others and another rule for your relationship with yourself? The Bible does not draw any distinction. We are all in the same category.
If God has released the debt, keeping the books open is not humility. It is overruling Him! The rule is not different for you.
And a practical step that sounds almost too simple until you try it:
How would you talk to another Christian struggling with self-forgiveness? You would encourage them with the words and promises of Jesus! Talk that way to yourself.
One practice I have found helpful is to imagine that I am a separate person who I am choosing to forgive. Now when I read the Word, I become the person Jesus insists I forgive
What if the other person never comes back?
Scripture is very honest about this. Some relationships in the Bible resolve. Some do not. And often the Bible simply does not tell us.
People argued a lot in the Bible! Sometimes they got things back on track; other times they did not. Often, the Word does not say.
For example, we do not know if Jonah—who ran away from obedience and was frustrated when God saved wicked people—died angry at God. I mean it! Jonah’s last recorded words were, “It is right for me to be angry, even to death!” (Jonah 4:9). We do not know if the rich young ruler—who knew the right answers, but went away sorrowful over not wanting to sell his possessions—ever returned to follow Jesus (Matthew 19:16-22). We do not know if Simon the Sorcerer—who had a genuine profession of faith, but sinfully tried to purchase Holy Spirit power—ever went back to church
Three unfinished stories, and God left them unfinished on purpose. If yours is unfinished, you are in good company.
Even the apostles had one. Paul and Barnabas split so sharply over whether to give John Mark a second chance that they stopped working together.
Believers know the apostle Paul as a man who was powerfully used by God. His story serves as a reminder that Jesus can transform anyone, but Paul had a falling out with another faithful man, Barnabas. Acts 11:24 says that Barnabas “was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith.” His name means “Son of Encouragement” (Acts 4:36) and that’s what he was—an encourager to the church! Paul and Barnabas disagreed on whether Barnabas’s cousin, John Mark, should go on their next ministry journey (Acts 15:36-41). This was no small argument: “the contention became so sharp that they parted from one another”
Years later Paul asks for John Mark by name and calls him useful for ministry. So it healed. But the Bible never tells us when, or how.
As frustrating as this may seem, even what God chose to leave out of His Word is for our good. He does not want us to get hung up on details that will not help. Instead, He has given us clear instructions about forgiveness, and He provides us wisdom as to whether reconciliation is possible in our circumstance.
You do not know what will happen, but you can pray to the One who does. This is not a consolation prize—prayer is never a consolation prize! Prayer is recognizing that God is God, and you are not. God is the One who knows all things and decides all things. You might not be able to see how you can win, but God does! This is why you keep communicating and listening to the One who loves you. Pray on!
What if I have tried and it will not come?
Then you are in good company, and you are closer than you think. Forgiveness is rarely one clean moment. It is a decision you make, and then make again the next time the memory shows up, and then make again. Making it again is not failing. It is the decision holding!
Start smaller than you think you should. You do not have to feel warmth toward the person. You only have to be willing to stop asking God to settle the account on your terms.
It is divine to forgive and divine to forget. Quit dwelling on what got messed up. Keep moving forward!
A prayer
Father, You know exactly what was done and exactly what it cost. I am not pretending it was small. Today I choose to release it to You, and I give up my right to collect. Where the feeling has not caught up with the choice, help me make the choice again tomorrow. And where I have been holding my own debt open, close it, because You already did.
Miracle Word Ministries teaches the Word every day and prays with people who ask. If this is where you are, the prayer line is open. His Word. His Power. Your Miracle.
Common questions
What is the biblical definition of forgiveness? To release a debt someone owes you and give up the right to collect it, in the same way God released yours (Colossians 3:13).
Does forgiveness mean I have to reconcile? No. Forgiveness is required and depends only on you and God. Reconciliation involves another person's choices and is not always safe or possible.
Do I have to forgive if they never apologise? Yes. Scripture ties forgiveness to how God forgave you, not to whether the other person repents.
Does forgiving mean forgetting what happened? Not erasing the memory. The Greek behind Philippians 3:13 means to disregard and neglect, so it stops governing what you do next.
How long does forgiveness take? The decision can be made today. The feelings often follow much later, and having to repeat the decision is normal rather than a sign it did not work.
Where this teaching comes from
The teaching on this page is quoted word for word from two of Marilyn Hickey's books, and every quoted passage is checked against the printed pages before publishing.
- Forgiving Yourself, Truth #2
- Reconciling Relationships, chapter 3
- Both are available from Miracle Word Ministries.
Keep reading
Source: Marilyn Hickey, Reconciling Relationships and Forgiving Yourself, Miracle Word Ministries. The teaching on this page appears in Marilyn Hickey’s own words. © Miracle Word Ministries. Used with permission.